| Boys Problems |
[26 Nov 2006|06:12pm] |
Wow..i cant believe I am resorting again to Livejournal. this thing used to be my life!
Anyways...Im living up in New York and its almost the end of first semester. It hasnt been an easy one, thats for sure! Ive gone from hating it here, to liking it, to just being plain confused. All the opportunities are here for me and I dont know what is wrong with me. Why are other things so much more important to me than my DREAM? Caleb and I have been broken up for a little over a month and this has been the hardest thing for me to get over. I really fell for him, but I guess it really wasnt fair that we had to do the whole long distance thing. i think about it and i dont feel like i really knew much about him at all. He did so many things to hurt me, even though he told me he would never hurt me. Long distance doesnt work. Thats what I have come to believe. What i felt for him was real and i know that, but how can you stay with someone when you are doing all the work? It has to be an equal effort. Maybe thats why he hurt me so badly, because i wanted it to work so bad and he wasnt willing to do what I was. I think it could have worked. I think it still can. But Caleb and I need more time to get to know eachother without just talking on the phone. Caleb doesnt know anything about what I want to do with my life. For all he knows I could be a ridiculously awful actress trying to pursue musical theatre. I sometimes think that that was one of the main reasons that we didnt get along over the phone, because he wansnt interested in what I was doing. He was always more interested in partying and going out. I tried to be understanding because I know that hes in a frat, but it wasnt that i didnt trust him. I did trust him, but when he would tell me that he didnt remember the night before..what am i supposed to think? If he cant remember what he did, how is he going to be aware that hes cheating on his girlfriend. I want to be with Caleb. I guess right now I just need to let him grow up and realize that he's lost a girl who cared for him more than anything. I am trying to move on with my life. Its just a lot harder than I thought. Ive never had this hard of a time getting over a guy, especially one that I dont even get to see very often. Emma was up this past weekend and we had a great weeekend together! She is my best friend for a reason: shes always there for me. She's always there to give me advice when i need it and shes there through the good times and more importantly: the bad. Shes been there for me through this entire process. I think Im ready to let go. Im just scared the second I let go, he will be there realizing he made a mistake. Maybe its false hope? I just know one thing: If you can see yourself with someone in 30 years then you shouldnt let them go. Fuck taking a break, fuck the distance difficulty: make it work. Perhaps it really is time to move on to someone who appreciates me.
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| fuck |
[05 Jul 2006|09:59pm] |
i jsut dont understand him.
he says he tries and tries but nothing ever comes out of his trying because he doesnt let it. he runs away from things that he feels because it scares him to feel things like that. I know it. Everyne tells me. When i look at him and we just stare into eachothers eyes, its like...we connect...and then he pulls away. He does always go out of his way to see me and maybe me being tired and not wanting to go to the hotel is wrong and selfish of me. But I dont think that me going to the hotel, after i took care of him all night last night, defines how much i care about him or how i feel about him. I would have given anything to be with him. And he told me thats not what he wanted out of this. He knows how i feel..hes not stupid and its really obvious.. I just hate that he pretends with me. Ive always been real. I AM REAL with people. Especially people that mean something to me. Like him. I dont know why he gets to me but its like...everything with him is so " oh well". I feel like nothing is ever worth his time. If im not worth his time, i cant keep letting him do this to me.
I need to get control over my emotions right now.
I feel like ive been hit by a bus.
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| alone time |
[03 Jul 2006|05:25pm] |
its wierd how when im with my friends im always happy and my life is always perfect and then when i go home and get bored i find myself thinking about my life and the things that i want to change about it. Being alone makes you think so much. I guess its good sometimes because i have a hectic life. Sometimes i need to just relax. Its summer. I should be relaxing the entire time. I think im just PMSing. because ive been emotional. I mean today, I watched that movie, uuhh whats it calledddd....OH yeah.. A lot like love. And i was crying. I want a boy so bad. but im not settling for anyone. I want to move away and meet a completely new guy. who hasnt heard about my past and who doesnt know anything about me. I just want to fall in love and forget about all the little petty things that dont mean a thing in life. like money. i dont know what it is about money that plays such a big role in relationships, i mean yeah money makes your life easier and it allows you to do things. But WHY does it have to define a person? Thats why i cant wait to get out of miami. everyone here is so money warped and shallow. I just want to get away.....Icant wait any longer..this summer is crawling like a freaking snail.
haha. i sound like such a dork right now. but this is the one time ive actually sat down this summer and just wrote. Ive been on the run with my friends always doing something but no. im jsut going to write whatever is on my mind. I really want to take voice lessons this summer but i feel like with work everyday, i really dont have time. And ive found myself feeling so guilty asking my parents for money because they are paying for schooling next year. even though my job does pay alot..im trying to save up for nyc...oyyeee so many worries and i feel like i have so little time..even though i do have two months almost.
im goign on the cruise in 6 days and shannon comes in 4 and i cant wait to see her
shes such an amazing friend. it would have been sooo awesome if we both went to roosevelt together...but i think if i would have chosen to go to roosevelt...it would have eaten away at me. i have this wierd gut feeling that i need to be in nyc...i dont know why but i do. and i know from experience to always follow your heart ( or your gut haha )
things are good.
im happy with myself.
i am a powerful understanding sexy talented loveable woman..complete in my heart with myself and you. GOD
i love my life.
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| hello again. |
[25 Apr 2006|10:32am] |
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mood |
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music |
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bad day- Daniel Powter |
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soo hello my dears
its been a while. it always seems to be a while.
i never really update this thing which is unfortunate because i never write things down that occur in my life.
School is seriously coming to its closure and I must say im rather excited!!
It's sad and all butttt I dont think that my life is moving forward while im here at nwsa.
New York is where I want to beeeeeee.
I need to buy all of my stuff for my dorm next year. Well i know i dont NEED to yettt but Im excited to.
AAHHH!!! ITS REAL THIS TIME!
Im not signing up for next year anything for high school!
Its wierd. Im not just excited for summer this time. im excited for MY LIFE!
So im taking Daniel to prom because i know hed be a fun date and I think that we'd have a good time together. I LOVE HIM.
SOOO YEAH. Thats really all ive got to say for today. But i do PROMISE that ill be updating soon.
XOXO
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| college? YES! COLLEGE! |
[17 Apr 2006|10:46am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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over my head- the fray |
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So im officially moving to NYC on MY 18th BDAY!!
Im so excited/scared/nervous/happy/ready/hesitant.
My mom is loosing my brother and I at the same time and I know its going to be very hard for her.
I think my brother will like living with my dad though.
I got ditched by Andrew for prom.
I guess what goes around comes around. I cant be mad that he got a gf cuz I wasnt planning on hookin up with him anyways.
but it was still hurtful.
Now i know how **** felt.
Im such a bitch sometimes.
I cant wait for college!!!!
AH!
MARYMOUNT MANHATTAN HERE I COMEEE!
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| COLLELEGGGEE |
[20 Mar 2006|11:19pm] |
I got into Marymount in NYC!
im excited cuz i got some scholarship money..not a lot but still!!!!
its nice....
:)
Roosevelt is still my top choice..butttttttt HOORAY!
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| confused... |
[14 Mar 2006|02:02pm] |
ive gotten rejected from 2 schools and i missed my audition for one.
what am I doing here?
seriously like...i know i have 4 more to hear from...its just..what if i dont get in anywhere at all?
I put other things before theatre so much and im just questioning myself
i love musical theatre with everything ive got...so why is this so complicated?
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[06 Mar 2006|09:58pm] |
I have to do my one person show tomorrow nad im not ready AT ALL.
I just want to be like..im sorry but i cant do this.
Im not prepared and I hate not being prepared for stuff like this.ugh. alright im done.
gotta go start memorizing
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| great weekend. |
[16 Jan 2006|12:58am] |
he stole my heart 6 months ago...and every time we see eachother...its magical.
and then i sit here...crying...wondering why love cant ever be easy?
It really sucks....incredible weekend in Naples..
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[09 Jan 2006|08:16am] |
new york was amazzinnggg
everything has been amazing
my grandma died on thursday night...it was better this way, she was miserable and thats not how i want to remember her...i want to remember her for the spiritual ways and her humor and all the good times we had...yesterday was her "rememberance" it was sad and it was the first time that ive ever had to attend something like that...my audition went amazing. besides the whole being sick thing, i was totally comfortable...now ive done all i can do so i have to just sit and wait...anad partyy!!!
i took off work today so i could catch up from the 4 days i missed last week so im goin to go study!
byeeee <3
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| school again... |
[02 Jan 2006|10:39am] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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New Years was AMAZING
i had my first new years kiss haha.
it didnt mean more than a friendship but it was niceeeee.
Hollister is going well...i LOVE my job...too bad i dont get paid very much. Whatever tho
I am becoming increasingly anxious for my audition in NYC on Friday. Im excited and nervous at the same timeeeeee. idk
i think im going to do well. Kick ass!!!
I have come up with my New Years Resolution:
*Stop biting my nails
*Stop eating so much fast food
*get in shape for college
*get into college
and
*Work harder in everything for school
I think i have a pretty good list...
Im goin to try veryyy hard to make these last.
thats all for today....big kisses to Matt and T who made New Years AMAZINGGG ( except the throw up on Tim's car haha)
I love you guys
I cant believe i am back in this classroom once again. ugh.
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE
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| venting session. |
[18 Dec 2005|04:29pm] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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I hate it when you consider peple your best friends...and everything just goes to shit
ya know sometimes i feel really selfish with my friends in palm beach
its just realllyyy hard to accomodate everyone here and ahng out with everyone every weeknd because im hardly here and i have sooo many different people to spend time with. It is very frustrating.
I also hate it when everyone has to have drama involved in everything.
Zach's girlfriend Courtney hates me, ok whatever im not saying she doesnt have a right to. So i email her on myspace to apologize for everything bc i know what i did was wrong..and she just has this love or hate thing with her where she cant forgive people...she holds grudges...and honestly i dont give a fuck about her or zach...i mean hes been there thru everything with me, but whatever i cant make him want to be my friend...but i just dont like not being able to hang out with all of my friends because SHES there and wants to kick my ass. Its all just immature and unclassy and i hatee ittt.
All i want to do is get along,ejoy the shit out of senior year, hang out with whomever i want whenever i want, and just kick this stupid drama out of my life.
Ya know, i see all of my friends with no worries about anything and sometimes i wish i didnt have this dream. It's so hard to be so different from everyone and not be free to have a LIFE. I love musical theatre, and i know half these people arent goin to make it in life, and i will. Its just hard because i feel like i have so many disposable friends. i know that sounds soo mean. but its like, they all have their best friends, that they are with all the time, and then once in a while, when im not doing something for new world, i join in, but then i feel left out.
ugh
im so aggravated at life. and i really shouldnt be. its senior year its all supposed to be smoking, drinking, partying it up with friends...but the majority of it has been stressful, sad, and now half the year is over, and i feel like my life is just being wasted. sure i cant wait to get out of here and start my life, but what happens to everyone else when im gone. its like...who am i goin to have here that im goin to keep in touch with?
its really sad...and senior year is quickly disinigrating.
:(
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| lifeeee |
[15 Dec 2005|10:34am] |
I started work @ Hollister yesterday.
It looks like a really fun job...with really cute boys!!
maybe this is what i needed...a break from all the recycling boys and just a fresh start with new people...im kinda nervous bc i have to change my nose ring to a clear one and its soreeeee :(
anyways i havnt written in a while soooooo yeahhh...christmas break is just around the corner..and im goin to pawn shop tonight..cant effing wait
xoxoxox!
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| nycc!!!!! |
[07 Dec 2005|09:19pm] |
Sooooo I found out that I got into Marymount!!
Now, i have to get into the musical theatre program but WHATEVER! I GOT INTO A COLLEGE!
lol.
And my day was great.
Laura came to visit and see a few juries.
YAY!
Im so happy...i could die!
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| fuck emmmm |
[02 Dec 2005|03:36am] |
I think im going to be single forever.
im just not what anyone wants/needs.
im sorry if i seem like high maitenance...but im really not.
all i want is someone to be REAL with me.
im sick of this immature, ignoring, pretending like everything is what its not.
its all high school.
im ready for something real.
i feel like all i bitch about is boys and problems with them.
im working so hard on just trying to make my senior year amazing and it has been, i just wish i had something to look back on...a REAL relationship.
its all bullshit.
and im through.
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| thanksgiving weekend |
[28 Nov 2005|03:34pm] |
my mom just gave me an alarming phone call.
she got my progress report.
fuck.
whatever tho i brought up most of the grades
orlando this weekend was AMAZINg.
we did sooo well and i cant wait to see it on tv.
anyways im in the computer lab..xoxo
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[18 Nov 2005|08:14am] |
im so busy with everything i have nooo time for myself.
today i woke up in a bad mood because it was raining...and i dont go to school when its raining because its just a good excuse to stay sleeping all day. Then you dont get woken up by sunlight or anything.
i wish i was home right now but instead im skipping Adjamah and doing my syracuse essays ( well i should be but instead im writing in here )
anyways im going.
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| colleegggeee |
[17 Nov 2005|11:21am] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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THINGS ARE LOOKIN UP!!!
I got all my college auditions set....they are as follows!!!
Syracuse ( in Manhattan) : Jan 5
UCF ( In Orlando ): Jan 21
Roosevelt University (Chicago ): Feb 5,6
CCM ( Chicago Locationn ) : Feb 7
Marymount Manhattan: Feb 18
AMDA (maybe as a back up)?
I'm nervous but im suppperr excited too!!
hopefully ill get into one haha.
so theres a boy. not a new boy. but a boy. whatever im not going to worry about that. things will happen as they happen. blah
boys suuucckkk! haha.
whatever so anyways im getting thoroughly annoyed with guys and dolls rehearsals all the time...i need a moment to breathe...and we cant even get one day off...
the show will be alright tho.
anywayss this class is over sooo im goin to go
xoxoo
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| college..... |
[14 Nov 2005|07:35pm] |
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mood |
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scared |
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I knew that i was going to be a complete mess after Laguna Beach tonight.
I'm scared to leave this place.
Im scared to leave my parents, my brother, my friends ,my house.
It's so scary to think this is the last time im ever goin to live with my parents.
Omg. I can't like control myself. Im so scared
all i every say is damn i cant wait to leave i hate this place blah blah blah. but now
its really going to happen to me...and its terrifying. what happens if i dont make it or if something bad happens...what happens when i get sick..who takes care of you
i try to play it off like im this bad ass senior..but im still a little girl too.
Im not ready to take care of myself and leave everything behind. I have always been scared of change. And this is the biggest change ill probably ever go through.
wow...i need to take a deep breathe..and make these last 5-6 months count
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| happy :) |
[11 Nov 2005|06:38am] |
Yesterday a film and TV school called me. Apparently they saw me in Class Act at FTC and were really interested ? They offered me a 75% scholarship to their program. I eventually do want to get into film, but broadway is my focus as of right now.
OH WELL.
It was still nice to hear that SOMEONE was interested.
I have NO guys in my life and i never thought that could be a good thing till now. I am realizing that i finally have time for ME. Because it seems like every time i get into something i give everything ive got to them. So im trying to enjoy the absolute single life as much as possible. Whatever.
anyways its early in the morning and i am writin my xmas list haha
xxxx!
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